My entry for the Creative Writing Contest....we were to write a Hate Mail to a girlfriend who's dumped me..albeit in a subtle manner..here was my entry :)


(Girlfriend who dumped me finds this in her mailbox)
From,
Mr. Riotous BloodBather The CapitaL AddicT.
Scout-In-Chief,
Society of the Professionally Bloody
(Your very own neighborhood Chapter),
Kanpur.

To,
Miss(named). Sweety Tweety,
Room Oh-Oh-Three,
Houses of the Pretty,
Kanpur.

Date : A Particularly Bitter Variety from the Sub-Saharan Desert.

Hey there!
You might be(should be)wondering what this is all about..for all you know,this might be just another piece of utter bull-crap thats popped into your mailbox and is full of advice to buy "Diaper Pre-Pubescence,for absorption par excellence!Just two dollars and five pence!" or other such pointless ad's.Patience pays,my friend.Yes,i am your friend.A friend who'll pay.No,i don't mean i ll pay for my sins.And NO, my name isn't Patience either,you Dim-Wit.I mean to say i could soon be your well-paying universally hated employer. :)

We,at the Society of the Professionally Bloody..are well,professional..and,um..Bloody.Right.Moving On.We have regular meetings discussing cutting-edge research in Rude Behavior,Cruel Conversations and also have courses like Cruelty101 and Sadism 203 where the adept teach the inept "Le Sublime Art'. I am the Scout-In-Chief of the local chapter.My job entails creeping around in the dark and shadow-tailing prospective new members in the shady neighborhood.And Oh Boy,have you caught my eye.
Here i go on to why we think You should be a member of the most secretive infamous group in history..

Your latest Boy-Friend dumping is a case in point.What an Awesome Arsenal you have.

1)Deadly Deception

Your first date with your boyfriend.Simply Stunning.The Perfect Gal role played to Absolute Perfection.The way you fell for him ..wooh,even i fell for it.Within five minutes,you had the guy thinking you were the kindest,warmest,smartest...and basically the most awesomest girl he would ever meet.The way you laughed at his jokes..and how you made him feel he is some-one special.He had the Light in his eyes,as if he was in the presence of a divine form..you executed it all to perfection.And you had me thinking what the world has come to. I grimaced and moved on with anticipation to a couple near-by who were having a juicy row(They kissed and made up in five minutes.Sigh).Little did i know that i was in the vicinity of an Actress Goddess.Hats,caps,helmets and all kinds of headgear off for that performance.

2)Brutal BloodSucking

I must admit when my superior ,His Uncouthness Mr. Acrid Spiteson the Second(Curses be upon him)told me to keep tabs on you,i thought something had caved in his upper storey.I mean,you were the milk of human kindness in there,and here he was telling me(his most efficient scout, and i'm handsome too...) to see if you had the stuff!But i was soon made to eat my hat,as i saw that you were the very definition of Brutal BloodSucking.I mean,the most blood-sucking leech would be put to shame if it could see the way you drained the stuff out of the man.Hitler,Mussolini and all of those good ol' Society Legends would be turning in their graves.Within a week, it was roses by the dozens,and money by the thousands.Subtle Hints that you want this Gothic Jewel and that Blood Diamond,along with that Seductive dimpled Smile of yours had him pull out those wads out of that bottomless pocket of his Fat-Bottomed Father with abandon.And he actually thought he was making you happy,sad fellow.Those roses had so much meaning attached to them..he spent hours searching for that perfect card to give ya.And the way you really attached next to none value to them,but managed to convey to him that they were priceless,i mean,how do you do that?Your code of morals must be REALLY flexible.Or you must have morals at all.I personally think its the second..you just are too good.And on those daily voyages to the poshest restaurants the city has to offer,You had the Will and the Skill to make him pay the Bill once you had your Fill. You would fit into our clandestine Financing Department like a dish in a dishwasher.

3) UberNasty U-Turn

Two weeks into it,and Mr,Innocent didn't have even a whiff of what was cooking.You were the very fountain of warmth till that Sunday.I cant help sympathizing with the guy.First throw,and he had to get you.Of all the gazillion simpering single women looking for their soul-mates ,he had to get the one most equipped to make one lose belief in the Fairness of the Fairer Sex.Glowing Smile turned to Icy Stare.Those Daisy Dimples turned to Foreboding Frowns.And the total absence of any reason for the sudden change...Master Class.Conversations on the phone were cut short by hasty interruptions from the Ubiquitous Milkman.Nights of Passion were replaced by Sleepless Inaction.He just didn't know what hit him.And you actually managed to make him think it was all his fault!That he had done something wrong!The confusion and Turmoil you put him in...refreshingly exquisite.You had me gaping at thy Performance Breath-Taking.

4)Freaky Finale

I returned dazed to Headquarters..to report that you were the meanest in the neighborhood i have ever set eyes upon.And you are!And the way you finished him off is a case-study in Brutality and Unfeelingness .You set him up so nicely,he actually came apologizing and crying to you to forgive him.You were with that other guy then,feeling him up and setting him up as well...when this guy walks in.But the Being that you are,and the Powers of deception that you wield,you had him believe he was a worker.Wooh.Deception 101 is all yours for the teaching.And right there,you blasted him for being dishonest,for ruining your life,for deceiving you and what-not and let me tell ya,i have never seen such a compelling believable performance ever.If that doesn't deserve an Oscar,i don't know what does.He was pale and shaken..like a dry martini.He just went chalk-white.And i was licking my lips as i Knew that here was the Genuine Article.Kudos,Bravo..you are filled with the Stuff to the Brim.

And benefits of joining?We have a database of easy-money losers who'll fall for ya,though i think you could take any guy for a ride.You'll be the highest paid of the younger faculty though.And of course,you'll get tour share of the monthly earnings.And above all,we have loads of fun discussing new strategies and putting them into action.

If you want to join,just turn up at The Kingston Bar this Sunday..and i shall contact you.


Cheers,
Yours,
R.B.